Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We named our party play list daddy issues
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
