Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
