worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize