I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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