WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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