you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
