I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
