he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
