There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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