I think I just saw someone hide a body.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
