Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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