i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
