there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
