I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
