I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
