you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
