Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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