I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
