we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
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I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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