So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
