He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
