Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
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Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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