the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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