I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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