$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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