I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
