omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
