Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
