She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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