new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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