finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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