i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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