I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So many bounce houses so little time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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