So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My penis needs a shock collar
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
do nipples grow back?
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