need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
