Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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