My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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