My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
