Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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