I didn't shave. On purpose
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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