Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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