Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
