I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
sarcasm needs its own font
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
