Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
