Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
