I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things