wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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