So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
