these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
