why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
