so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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