Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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