I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
