I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
